my eyes see ahead of where I already am…
…my mind dreams of a future yet to happen
my heart cries for things past which cannot be undone.
But, I have no problem expecting You to follow me Lord, wherever I trod. I call it “walking with You”, but we both know the truth of it. I want You to endorse my life. If I claim that You are with me, who can be against me? Not even You can be against me then—not when I claim it in Your name; right?
This thing I do in my head, this… “self-rational-righteousnessing”, is what I use to justify my authority when I want something or someone to do something for me… and I’m absolutely wrong to claim it in that way. Still, I walk in this wrongness a lot. I even have a little mental song I sing to myself that sounds something like this…
I feel so humble, right and true
Because I claim to follow You
Glory, power and grace have I
Which means I own all things in Christ
Yes Master, it is a bit sarcastic, but that’s the secret, ugly me. The one that wants to “one-up” the enemy… make that… my enemy. And who exactly is that—my enemy? Why, they’re simply any of those who aren’t doing Your will… as I … define Your will.
That’s not exactly what is written, is it? Biblically, I’m way out in left field. You tell me I’m to submit to the authorities placed over me. That would be the government of my country, no matter who, or which party, is in power. That would mean some person at work I report to indirectly whose moral convictions I don’t agree with. That would mean the leader at church—who has a position or way of doing things that I don’t agree with—who is given authority by the elders of the congregation. That would include anyone You’ve chosen to be over me.
I don’t like this part of Your RUT Lord, the following part; because I’m being asked by You—of all People—to follow those I don’t trust, those I don’t admire, even those who might harm me; and I’m asked to trust… that… a higher power… that would be YOU… has control over the situation? Are You telling me that I’m to have faith that You’re an active agent in this nasty little business called life and that if I follow the “elect” on the path, but mimic You in my Trekking, that somehow it will all be blessed?
I don’t like this part of Your RUT Lord, but it is Your RUT and if I claim to be Your follower, I… have to follow, not lead. What’s difficult is that—even though I like to picture myself as Your “partner”; us walking side by side and me even having constructive/intelligent things to offer the partnership—I’m not often consulted or even invited to walk side by side… not even a step or two behind. My name is “slave”. Hate that word—slave. I prefer “servant”. It sounds more like I have a respectable position with some degree of will in the administration of my duties. Slave sounds… like what it is… a captured soul, taken for the owner’s bidding—but that’s the deepest level of commitment for me isn’t it Jehovah? I must first —and last—be Your slave, before I can ever graduate to servant.
A slave walks far behind the Master and does whatever the Master asks, whenever the Master asks it. Why can’t You see that I’ve got experience that makes me more valuable than a slave to You?
And that’s the point I think I’m missing—it’s my experience that requires slavery. To submit to You, I have to agree with—or at least submit to—Your plan of action. I don’t have to understand it; I read nowhere that I have to like it. I just have to live it… which brings up a finer point, Creator.
I’ve always looked at submission act-by-act: As an opportunity to submit arises (i.e. my parents, spouse, or a manager telling me not to do something) I then weigh all the circumstances and decide to submit or… not. I’ve learned to do this day in, week out, year by year, my whole life. And it’s been wrong.
I’m seeing now that submission is not a series of steps along the path, but the path itself.
I am to submit in attitude, in body, soul and spirit. It’s the whole package and it’s not locked to a situation or a time or a place, it’s all or nothing. It has to be my life and my life’s style. No wonder the young man in Matthew 9:16-22 was so sad. That passage has always thrown me; Your guys; the disciples—seemed really bothered by it too. I never understood why they were so worried about some “rich boy” not being able to pass the “eternity test”.
Now I understand why. You weren’t talking to him about giving up just his monetary wealth. The Greek word used there is “plousios” which is a term meaning abundance. You were telling him he needed to give up not just his possessions, but his status and his prestige; his personal aristocracy and importance. His… power. You were asking him to give up his authority. You wanted nothing from him… and all of him… all of me, all of anyone who would dare to call themselves a “follower of Jesus”.
But Lord, how do I know who you’ve placed in authority over me… and how will I know those who falsely claim to be in authority? And do You ever take the authority away when they misuse it? What I’m REALLY asking—am anxious to know—is; are there times I won’t have to submit to a dislikable authority? I REALLY NEED TO KNOW THIS! Why? Good question Adonai; because I don’t trust You to protect me and to keep me… comfortable.
So then it comes to that funky “cross” quote You make—You know the one in Matthew 16, "If anyone wants to become my follower, he must deny himself, take up his cross, and follow me.”
The trick with that phrase is that it’s very easy to assume that my cross is the same as the one You picked up and carried. I think not. Tell me if I’m wrong Lord, but here’s the difference I see:
Your cross was carried by God. You chose to take it up (You were not forced) relinquishing everything Your were, even Your authority over the Earth, the people and the creatures You created—an incredible thought to picture—and You became everything You want me to be. Then You allowed Yourself to be physically tortured to death. You… loved… love me so much that in all the universe, You put me, and anyone who calls You Lord, first—above all other things—no matter what.
My cross? Here’s the twist. My cross is carried by someone who is not GOD (but who secretly wants to act as one). I must choose (not be forced) to give up every thing I am and replace it with every thing You want me to be. In other words, my cross must be picked up willingly; demonstrating that I want to totally kill off anything that smacks of godlike desire and replace it with the desires of The Ultimate Authority of my existence—You.
You first—above all other things: including me; especially me—no matter what.
And so, I’ve chosen… I can’t… I won’t deny such love. I’ve seen it work for me, for many, many others. All I have to do is pick up that pathetic piece of timber and start walking. It makes me look stupid Lord. It makes me a target of ridicule-people point at me… they think it’s a fake cross.
They make me wonder if it is too. I catch myself thinking I’d rather be like them… they can do what they want, with whomever they want, whenever they want. They look like they’ve got good stuff. They talk as if they have the authority and the power to get more good stuff. Some of them do have authority over me. I hate that Father. They are the nails of my cross.
I squirm to get free, yet I look around and see how temporary their power and their stuff is and I realize, that by becoming Yours, I have something different; the authority I’ve lost means nothing—it was worthless to begin with—taking me nowhere. Now that I don’t have to do anything, don’t have to wield that presumed power, don’t have to proclaim it; Another authority—the power of Your love within me grows and I finally move forward on my Trek, toward what You had in mind for me to be all along, a “leading follower”.
Interesting concept—leading by following. According to You, it’s a walk through the eye of a needle and it’s hard, which I guess is why the ones who actually do it become the authorities for those wanting to do it. Since it is such an incredibly difficult Trek to navigate, I suppose I need to look for the examples of others who have followed before me. Besides You, they would be the best authorities of all to submit to, would they not?
And as for any whom would “lord it over me”, by insisting they are my leaders—demanding I follow them away from Your course so clearly marked? Well there is no authority in that RUT is there!
RUT ON. Mark A. Cornelius
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