I know beyond a shadow of any doubt Lord that You exist. I know, without question, that I am Your child and that You Love me, despite my failed attempts at loving You. I know, Master, that there was a larger plan than that I, or any person, could conceive and that Your were (are) the architect of that plan – it involves an eternity in which someway, I’m involved. I know all I have to do is to, admit I’m incapable of correcting my faults on my own, ask for Your love, strive to love You as You Love me… MEAN all of this in the deepest part of me instead of just speaking the words… and I’ll be a part of that eternal paradise.
But I didn’t always believe this way. Not even close. Something changed in me. I have difficulty understanding what switch “switched” in me that I now believe differently. I do know how it happened though.
Adonai, I won’t bore You with the details of my Trek before and after meeting You. Those are well shared moments in history that we cherish together, but I am intrigued by the process of how one’s faith grows in the midst doubt. How can I suddenly be another person from the one I was going to be? That conversion – seems both spiritual and psychological. I know You’re in charge of the spiritual side, but what promoted a drive in me to chase You and then to one day find that chase to have become a desirable lifestyle?
There’s a big phrase that Learning Theory types (of people) use to describe a frame of mind that is changed from one position to another. They call it “cognitive dissonance” - the brain has to somehow justify an action that does not fit the normal or regular behavior of the individual. OK, I’ll swallow that, but there’s something else at work here.
As I read Paul’s letter to the Romans, I’m told that I’m saved by my faith. That happens immediately at the point I accept You as Lord and suddenly my salvation assures me of a heavenly address sometime in the future - Sweet. But that doesn’t let me off the hook. I’m also told that I have a Trek, a time here still on this planet where I have to improve. That might be 5 seconds, maybe 50 more years. “Improve”, now what’s that mean? I can’t do anything on my own well, that’s been established. I do things better if I do them the way You ask me to, which means I’ve got to ask first, “How?”… OK, then once I hear You telling “How”, I do.
But that has taken (has taken, will take) practice. I still try to do it my way, I still fight internally with the desire I desire most – to live Your way, love Your way, last Your way. What’s the roadblock? I want it or I don’t – I do, so, if I’m “saved”, the switch has been switched, shouldn’t I just naturally be the perfect model of humanity – what You were, when You were here? What keeps it from working that way?
There’s lots of words in the Bible and other places that explain at length the battle between my will and Your’s. I know my will struggles to be its own master because I don’t always recognize – yes, I confess – Your will as superior, but I think there came a time, at least for me, when I gained something more, an undeniable acceptance; that whether I was trying to avoid You or not – if I went my way, I was (am) disobeying a God who is present… EVER present as in really spiritually tangible. I realized that You are not some distant observer who checks in once in a while. There’s a whole lot that can be discussed about that revelation, but the thing I’m getting at here Adonai (yes, I know it’s about time I got to the point) is that something beyond my faith, some spark beyond the acceptance of You as God, made that discovery possible.
What? When? How?
I’m thinking now (watch out!) that it wasn’t a moment when this happened but by a long term, deliberate plan – Your plan to be exact. I think there was something “installed” in me at my Acceptance Time (conversion), that allowed me to Trek forward to this other revelationary “spark time” and beyond. I now have a name for it:
Believement -noun. The act or process of searching for supporting evidence in order to justify one’s belief system. [Origin: 2007 Mark A. Cornelius; Believe + -ment ]
And going off the deep end – as long as I’m making up words, I might as well charge ahead boldly – I think all of humankind develops a Believement which supports any belief. That’s why I see people firmly planting their feet on a premise that seems astoundingly absurd to me and yet, to them, it seems perfectly righteous. I’m sure they think the same way about me Jehovah and that’s where this RUTted dialogue has led… why is my Believement better than their Believement? By that I’m not asking why my supporting evidence is better than their supporting evidence, What I’m asking is… if we all are hell bent on building a belief system based on our individual desire to follow a specific RUT path, what good is any belief? It’s only based on our concern to prove it correct by any means possible!
But there is an answer, isn’t there Lord… and it doesn’t come from my Believement, but… from YOUR Believement.. Because before I could believe, You believed in me. Before any of us had an opinion, You conceptualized “opinion” and spoke it into existence. And then, You supported it. All of it. You gave it freedom to exist and then You supplied irrefutable evidence in the form of a Creation so that everything and every one that has existed and will exist, can develop their own Believement . And Your incredible Love even allows for the freedom of those, whose love You desperately desire, to chose another belief and the Believement to support it. Tragically sad, but so beautiful in that it is allowed by Your Believement. I wonder if anyone else’s Believement, even my own which supports You, will ever be able to justify a belief in a Love Relationship that profound? I wonder whose Believement would dare to argue with Yours?
But I didn’t always believe this way. Not even close. Something changed in me. I have difficulty understanding what switch “switched” in me that I now believe differently. I do know how it happened though.
Adonai, I won’t bore You with the details of my Trek before and after meeting You. Those are well shared moments in history that we cherish together, but I am intrigued by the process of how one’s faith grows in the midst doubt. How can I suddenly be another person from the one I was going to be? That conversion – seems both spiritual and psychological. I know You’re in charge of the spiritual side, but what promoted a drive in me to chase You and then to one day find that chase to have become a desirable lifestyle?
There’s a big phrase that Learning Theory types (of people) use to describe a frame of mind that is changed from one position to another. They call it “cognitive dissonance” - the brain has to somehow justify an action that does not fit the normal or regular behavior of the individual. OK, I’ll swallow that, but there’s something else at work here.
As I read Paul’s letter to the Romans, I’m told that I’m saved by my faith. That happens immediately at the point I accept You as Lord and suddenly my salvation assures me of a heavenly address sometime in the future - Sweet. But that doesn’t let me off the hook. I’m also told that I have a Trek, a time here still on this planet where I have to improve. That might be 5 seconds, maybe 50 more years. “Improve”, now what’s that mean? I can’t do anything on my own well, that’s been established. I do things better if I do them the way You ask me to, which means I’ve got to ask first, “How?”… OK, then once I hear You telling “How”, I do.
But that has taken (has taken, will take) practice. I still try to do it my way, I still fight internally with the desire I desire most – to live Your way, love Your way, last Your way. What’s the roadblock? I want it or I don’t – I do, so, if I’m “saved”, the switch has been switched, shouldn’t I just naturally be the perfect model of humanity – what You were, when You were here? What keeps it from working that way?
There’s lots of words in the Bible and other places that explain at length the battle between my will and Your’s. I know my will struggles to be its own master because I don’t always recognize – yes, I confess – Your will as superior, but I think there came a time, at least for me, when I gained something more, an undeniable acceptance; that whether I was trying to avoid You or not – if I went my way, I was (am) disobeying a God who is present… EVER present as in really spiritually tangible. I realized that You are not some distant observer who checks in once in a while. There’s a whole lot that can be discussed about that revelation, but the thing I’m getting at here Adonai (yes, I know it’s about time I got to the point) is that something beyond my faith, some spark beyond the acceptance of You as God, made that discovery possible.
What? When? How?
I’m thinking now (watch out!) that it wasn’t a moment when this happened but by a long term, deliberate plan – Your plan to be exact. I think there was something “installed” in me at my Acceptance Time (conversion), that allowed me to Trek forward to this other revelationary “spark time” and beyond. I now have a name for it:
Believement -noun. The act or process of searching for supporting evidence in order to justify one’s belief system. [Origin: 2007 Mark A. Cornelius; Believe + -ment ]
And going off the deep end – as long as I’m making up words, I might as well charge ahead boldly – I think all of humankind develops a Believement which supports any belief. That’s why I see people firmly planting their feet on a premise that seems astoundingly absurd to me and yet, to them, it seems perfectly righteous. I’m sure they think the same way about me Jehovah and that’s where this RUTted dialogue has led… why is my Believement better than their Believement? By that I’m not asking why my supporting evidence is better than their supporting evidence, What I’m asking is… if we all are hell bent on building a belief system based on our individual desire to follow a specific RUT path, what good is any belief? It’s only based on our concern to prove it correct by any means possible!
But there is an answer, isn’t there Lord… and it doesn’t come from my Believement, but… from YOUR Believement.. Because before I could believe, You believed in me. Before any of us had an opinion, You conceptualized “opinion” and spoke it into existence. And then, You supported it. All of it. You gave it freedom to exist and then You supplied irrefutable evidence in the form of a Creation so that everything and every one that has existed and will exist, can develop their own Believement . And Your incredible Love even allows for the freedom of those, whose love You desperately desire, to chose another belief and the Believement to support it. Tragically sad, but so beautiful in that it is allowed by Your Believement. I wonder if anyone else’s Believement, even my own which supports You, will ever be able to justify a belief in a Love Relationship that profound? I wonder whose Believement would dare to argue with Yours?
RUT ON!
Mark A. Cornelius
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